1- Don’t burst into the locker room like an Ostrogoth warlord
You know what people do in locker rooms these days? Take naked photos of themselves in the mirror. Do you know what happens when you fling the locker room door open and catch someone mid-selfie? They drop their phone on the floor, and there through a badly cracked screen lies a picture of half their penis. Out of focus.
Do this instead: knock gently, count to forty, then open the door slowly and walk backwards into the locker room, keeping your eyes on the floor.
2- Don’t cling to the bicep curl machine in desperation like it’s your father’s approval
He doesn’t really love you, despite what mom says. The bicep curl machine doesn’t love you either. Let it go.
Do this instead: let more deserving people enjoy the bicep curl machine. Just like your father’s approval.
3- Don’t antagonize the receptionist with practical and necessary questions
She’s busy and can’t be bothered and all she can see when you talk to her is your gelatinous upper arms. One more annoying interjection from you and she’ll roll her eyes and you’ll be getting the shittiest locker for weeks — the one that’s set so low that you need to bust your kneecaps to reach it, then crack your skull open against the door of the next locker if and when you manage to get up.
Do this instead: figure out the goddamned WiFi password on your own.
4- Don’t make eye contact between sets with the short guy that smells like a donkey
Just — trust me on this.
Do this instead: scribble something on your little notebook so that people think there’s a method to your being there. But there is no method, is there. You’re pure, unbridled chaos.
5- Don’t make eye contact between sets with the personal trainers
Just — trust me on this.
Do this instead: run the fuck away whenever a trainer gets too close for comfort, which in my case is a half-mile radius. I don’t need to know what the hell I’ve been doing wrong fitness-wise for years, and I don’t think you do either.
6- Don’t ask for help when you staple yourself to the bench under a 120 kg barbell
This is pretty self-explanatory, but here it goes: if you are like me and have no friends, you won’t have anyone to spot you (i.e move 75 percent of the weight while repeating “it’s all you, bro!”) while you bench press. You could just not do bench presses or just use dumbbells or whatever, but sometimes it’s Monday and Monday is International Bench-Pressing Day. So we staple ourselves. We do.
Do this instead: pretend this was your plan all along. Nothing to see. Lalala. Eventually one of these three things will happen: a) someone will discreetly lend you a hand and set you free; b) the gym will be closed for the night and you’ll become a permanent part of the equipment; or c) your ribcage will give way with a horrifying crunch.